Identity: The Jackets We Wear (and the Skin We’re Afraid to Touch)

Most people don’t live as who they are.

They live as who they’re wearing.

Identity, for a lot of us, isn’t something we’ve discovered.

It’s something we’ve put on.

Like a jacket.

Some jackets are obvious.

Some look good from the outside.

Some are borrowed.

Some are worn so long they start to feel like skin.

And most people forget they’re even wearing one.

External Identity vs Internal Identity

There are two identities at play in all of us:

• External identity – how we present, perform, and position ourselves in the world
• Internal identity – who we actually are when there’s no audience, no role, no reward

The problem is, most people spend their entire lives building the first and avoiding the second.

External identity is loud.

Internal identity is quiet.

External identity gets likes, promotions, invitations, validation.

Internal identity asks uncomfortable questions.

So guess which one most people choose.

The Jacket Rack

If you look closely, you’ll start to see the jackets everywhere.

• The gym jacket “I go to the gym. This is who I am.” Strong body. Fragile sense of self.
• The career jacket “I am my job.” Take the job away and there’s nothing underneath.
• The social jacket. Always busy. Always surrounded. Never known.
• The relationship jacket “We” instead of “me”. Panic when alone.
• The wellness jacket. Crystals, cold plunges, retreats. No emotional accountability.
• The spiritual jacket. Everything is ‘meant to be’. Nothing is ever examined.

None of these things are bad.

The gym isn’t bad.

Careers aren’t bad.

Friends aren’t bad.

But confusing them with identity is where people get lost.

Because when life strips one away — and it always does — people don’t know who they are without it.

Borrowed Jackets

Some people don’t even choose their jackets.

They borrow them.

They absorb the language, beliefs, opinions, and personalities of the people around them.

They wear whatever gets approval in that environment.

Spend time with enough people and you’ll notice it:

• same phrases
• same values
• same outrage
• same ambitions

It looks like confidence.

It’s actually camouflage.

Borrowed jackets feel safe because they reduce rejection.

But they also erase individuality.

And after a while, the person underneath doesn’t know what’s theirs anymore.

Multiple Jackets, No Skin

Then there are people who wear lots of jackets.

Different one for work.

Different one for friends.

Different one for family.

Different one online.

Highly adaptive.

Highly functional.

Deeply exhausted.

They’re not lying — they’re surviving.

But survival isn’t the same as living.

And the cost of wearing too many jackets is disconnection.

From others.

From yourself.

The Onion Effect (and Why Most People Avoid It)

People who do the inner work don’t add jackets.

They take them off.

Layer by layer.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Like peeling an onion.

Each layer comes with grief:

• Who I thought I was
• Who I needed to be
• Who I was praised for being
• Who I became to stay safe

Underneath each layer is a feeling most people avoid at all costs:

• fear
• shame
• sadness
• loneliness
• anger
• vulnerability

This is why most people don’t do the work.

Not because they’re lazy.

Because they’re terrified.

Taking off the jacket means standing exposed.

With no script.

No role.

No applause.

Just you.

Performance Is Not Identity

One of the hardest realisations is this:

If you have to maintain it constantly, it isn’t you.

Performance requires energy.

Identity doesn’t.

Performance needs witnesses.

Identity exists even when no one is watching.

This is why so many people feel empty when things finally “settle”.

They’ve built a life that looks full but feels hollow.

Because it was constructed outwardly, not inwardly.

What Happens When the Jackets Come Off

When you start taking jackets off, a few things happen:

• Your circle gets smaller
• Conversations get quieter but deeper
• Noise becomes intolerable
• Performative people feel uncomfortable around you
• You stop needing to impress
• You stop chasing validation

You don’t become better than others.

You become more yourself.

And that scares people who are still dressed for the stage.

Identity Is Not What You Do

This is the part most people resist.

Identity is not:

• what you lift
• what you earn
• who you know
• how busy you are
• how spiritual you sound
• how impressive your life looks

Identity is:

• how you relate to yourself
• how honest you are when no one’s clapping
• how you sit with discomfort
• how you take responsibility
• how you treat people when there’s nothing to gain

That’s it.

Everything else is just clothing.

Learning to Sit Without a Jacket

There is a moment — usually after loss, burnout, breakdown, or deep therapy — where you find yourself without a jacket.

No role.

No direction.

No urgency.

It feels strange.

Quiet.

Unsettling.

But that space is not emptiness.

It’s truth.

And if you can stay there long enough — without rushing to put something new on — you start to meet yourself properly.

Not the version you built.

The version that was always there.

Most people spend their lives asking:

“Which jacket should I wear next?”

A smaller number ask:

“Why am I so afraid to take this one off?”

And an even smaller number realise:

I don’t need a jacket at all.

That’s not confidence.

That’s freedom.